I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Woody Allen

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield

I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger

I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
Charles M. Schulz

I have never been hurt by what I have not said.
Calvin Coolidge

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
Elayne Boosler

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.
Robert Benchley

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
Rodney Dangerfield

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Joan Rivers

I like children - fried.
W. C. Fields

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Fred Allen

I like marriage. The idea.
Toni Morrison

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
Rodney Dangerfield

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
Walt Disney

I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.
Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. Fields

I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.
Will Rogers

I never said most of the things I said.
Yogi Berra

Funny Quotes

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
Erma Bombeck

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
George Burns

Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.
Marilyn vos Savant

He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Phyllis Diller

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Emo Philips

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen

I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries.
Stephen King

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
Steven Wright

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.
Warren Buffett

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.
David Letterman

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. Fields

I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.
Imelda Marcos

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
Joe E. Lewis

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.
Paula Poundstone

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
Fred Allen

I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.
Stephen Fry

I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.
Samuel Goldwyn

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
Mitch Hedberg

Funny Quotes

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West

Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did.
Bette Davis

By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.
Mark Twain

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
Fred Allen

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
P. J. O'Rourke

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Steven Wright

Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you; she is after your barn.
Hesiod

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
Jay Leno

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
Robert Benchley

Electricity is really just organized lightning.
George Carlin

Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.
Jerry Lewis

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
P. J. O'Rourke

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
Milton Berle

Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
Victor Hugo

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
Bill Cosby

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
Fran Lebowitz

Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.
Cathy Guisewite

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
Mark Twain

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Mark Twain

God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.
Naguib Mahfouz

Funny Quotes

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Groucho Marx

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
Erma Bombeck

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
George Bernard Shaw

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
Bob Hope

A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers.
Kevin Nealon

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
Yogi Berra

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
Claude Pepper

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
Bill Cosby

All men are equal before fish.
Herbert Hoover

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
Casey Stengel

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
Bill Cosby

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
Hedy Lamarr

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Groucho Marx

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett

As I get older, I just prefer to knit.
Tracey Ullman

Be obscure clearly.
E. B. White

Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.
P. J. O'Rourke

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
Jim Carrey

Faith Quotes

Faith is spiritualized imagination. Henry Ward Beecher  Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase. Martin Luther King, Jr.  Faith is the bird that feels the light when the dawn is still dark. Rabindranath Tagore  Faith is the very first thing you should pack in a hope chest. Sarah Ban Breathnach  Faith is to believe what you do not see; the reward of this faith is to see what you believe. Saint Augustine  Faith means belief in something concerning which doubt is theoretically possible. William James  Faith, to my mind, is a stiffening process, a sort of mental starch. E. M. Forster  Faith: not wanting to know what is true. Friedrich Nietzsche  God, our Creator, has stored within our minds and personalities, great potential strength and ability. Prayer helps us tap and develop these powers. Abdul Kalam  God... a being whose only definition is that he is beyond man's power to conceive. Ayn Rand  Have faith in God; God has faith in you. Edwin Louis Cole  He who has faith has... an inward reservoir of courage, hope, confidence, calmness, and assuring trust that all will come out well - even though to the world it may appear to come out most badly. B. C. Forbes  I die the king's faithful servant, but God's first. Thomas More  I have not lost faith in God. I have moments of anger and protest. Sometimes I've been closer to him for that reason. Elie Wiesel  I hold that religion and faith are two different things. Pat Buckley  I seek a deeper truth, but I don't think I have to go to a building designated for worship to find it. Ted Lange  I think the greatest taboos in America are faith and failure. Michael Malone  If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm. Mohandas Gandhi  In faith there is enough light for those who want to believe and enough shadows to blind those who don't. Blaise Pascal  In the affairs of this world, men are saved not by faith, but by the want of it. Benjamin Franklin

Faith

A faith is a necessity to a man. Woe to him who believes in nothing.
Victor Hugo

A man of courage is also full of faith.
Marcus Tullius Cicero

All who call on God in true faith, earnestly from the heart, will certainly be heard, and will receive what they have asked and desired.
Martin Luther

As your faith is strengthened you will find that there is no longer the need to have a sense of control, that things will flow as they will, and that you will flow with them, to your great delight and benefit.
Emmanuel Teney

Be a sinner and sin strongly, but more strongly have faith and rejoice in Christ.
Martin Luther

Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.
Mother Teresa

Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother.
Khalil Gibran

Every tomorrow has two handles. We can take hold of it with the handle of anxiety or the handle of faith.
Henry Ward Beecher

Faith and doubt both are needed - not as antagonists, but working side by side to take us around the unknown curve.
Lillian Smith

Faith and prayer are the vitamins of the soul; man cannot live in health without them.
Mahalia Jackson

Faith consists in believing when it is beyond the power of reason to believe.
Voltaire

Faith has to do with things that are not seen and hope with things that are not at hand.
Thomas Aquinas

Faith in oneself is the best and safest course.
Michelangelo

Faith indeed tells what the senses do not tell, but not the contrary of what they see. It is above them and not contrary to them.
Blaise Pascal

Faith is a knowledge within the heart, beyond the reach of proof.
Khalil Gibran

Faith is a passionate intuition.
William Wordsworth

Faith is not belief without proof, but trust without reservation.
D. Elton Trueblood

Faith is not contrary to reason.
Sherwood Eddy

Faith is not something to grasp, it is a state to grow into.
Mohandas Gandhi

Faith is reason grown courageous.
Sherwood Eddy