Funny Quotes

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West

Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did.
Bette Davis

By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.
Mark Twain

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
Fred Allen

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
P. J. O'Rourke

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Steven Wright

Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you; she is after your barn.
Hesiod

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
Jay Leno

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
Robert Benchley

Electricity is really just organized lightning.
George Carlin

Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.
Jerry Lewis

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
P. J. O'Rourke

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
Milton Berle

Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
Victor Hugo

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
Bill Cosby

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
Fran Lebowitz

Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.
Cathy Guisewite

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
Mark Twain

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Mark Twain

God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.
Naguib Mahfouz